


asymptotes

by lunerose



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Kentin - Freeform, M/M
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28174278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunerose/pseuds/lunerose
Summary: justin meets ken and sees the entire universe in his eyes and thinks this is it.
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ♡ asymptotes, a kentin au  
> ♡ part of the up esbi universe; this is mostly self-indulgent am so sorry 🤟🏻  
> ♡ disclaimer/s:  
> ⇀ grammar: she isn't perfect, but she tries :c

they met in college.

nagkakilala sila dahil they had common friends. halos isang taon na rin silang magkatropa no’n, pero it was towards the end of their second semester nung una silang magkasama na silang dalawa lang.

justin needed help with his maths, and paulo had always been his math tutor. kaso he had an emergency meeting and asked ken to be there instead.

ken got there late, and saw justin reading a novel sa labas ng main library. _extremely loud and incredibly close._

"uy," ken lightly tapped justin's knee. "ba't ka andito?"

"walang available seats sa loob," justin says. he was thinking maybe sa apartment nalang sila, but it might be quite awkward since sila lang dalawa. "café antonio's?"

they spent three hours sa café antonio's, napalabas lang nung narealize nila na hindi na kaya ng mocha frappe ang gutom nila.

a good one hour was spent on the actual review. madali lang kay ken ang trigonometry, compared sa differential at integral calculus. so mabilis n’ya din naipaintindi kay justin.

the rest of the three hours, they spent talking about an infinite array of things - books, justin's turtles, ken's comic book recommendations, anime, online games. at one point, pina-explain din ni justin yung concept ng entropy pero umayaw din sya. and they spent almost thirty minutes discussing whether they should (ken) or should not (justin) discuss politics.

it was raining, di nila narealize, and justin's car was parked sa main library, 400 meters away.

ken immediately rummages through his backpack and pulls out an old, orange folding umbrella.

"wala kang payong?" ken asks.

"may kumuha sa main lib kahapon."

"nako, fibrella pa naman 'yon." ken jokes. "tara, dito ka ang tangkad mo eh."

they walked in the rain together, halos nabasa na din sila parehas dahil pang-solo lang ang payong ni ken, at may part na butas dahil na-puncture ng spine.

ken pulls him closer, "huy basa ka na!"

"okay lang, ken! nauulanan ka na," justin stares at ken's left shoulder two seconds longer than the acceptable staring duration.

tumawa lang si ken. tumawa na lang din si justin.

they laughed more pagdating sa tokyo-tokyo, justin orders them a bento meal - chicken karaage (ken) & beef misono (justin). they laughed hanggang maihatid ni justin si ken sa harap ng dorms. justin even finds himself smiling as he drives away, back to his apartment.

that night, ken messages him for the first time na separate sa gc ng tropa. justin didn't think much about it – or, at least, he tried not to. pero he knew. he knew this was different. he wasn't going to admit it for a long time, pero he knew. _this is it._


	2. Chapter 2

justin spent more time with ken the following semester – with or without the tropa.

nagkataon na parehas sila ng general education class. it was a small lecture class, wednesdays and fridays, 1 to 2:30pm sa biosci building – parehas out of the way from engineering and devcom. 

third year na ni ken sa civil engineering. sa 24 full units nya, eto lang ang minor subject nya. pinagiisipan na ng batchmates nya kung anong thesis nila, kaya parang napapaisip na din sya.

on the other hand, justin's a development communication sophomore, acing his classes, as usual. balak nya talaga mag-journalism sa ust where his kuya was studying, pero may kung anong sumapi sa kanya nung enrollment season.  _ buti nalang. _

"hoy, felip." bati ni justin kay ken, nakaupo ito sa sahig sa madilim na corridor ng wing a, illuminated ng phone screen ang mukha. "anime na naman 'yan."

ngumiti naman sa kanya si ken, "ang aga mo."

mukhang di pa tapos yung previous class kaya dito nagiintay si ken. umupo si justin sa tabi nya, sabay abot ng kalahati ng sandwich nya. "mas maaga ka." 

"yon! salamat!" agad kinain ni ken ang sandwich at nagsalita habang may laman pa ang bibig nya. "hindi pa ako kumakain, 12 tapos ng lab ko tapos dumiretso na ko dito."

justin reached out his hand and closed ken's mouth, "bunganga mo, felip."  _ alam ko _ , justin thinks.  _ ganyan ka din last week. _

ito parehas ang last class nila pag fridays. justin goes home to malabon after class kaya nagmamadali palagi, takot maabutan ng rush hour. while ken stays on campus, madalas stuck sa dorms. minsan kasama si stell or josh kung hindi rin sila umuuwi.

nagtaka si ken kung bakit hindi nagmamadali si justin at the end of their discussion, normally sya ang una sa pintuan right after they're dismissed.

"bagal mo, jah. baka ma-traffic ka pauwi." ken says while putting back his notes sa bag.

nag-make face si justin sa kanya saying, "di ako makakauwi this weekend, kelangan namin mag-observe sa radio station. weekend lang kami pwede ng groupmates ko."

natuwa naman si ken, kasi parang never sila nag-kasama over the weekend. "okay lang 'yan! samahan kita, tambay tayo!"

lumabas sila sa biosci at dumiretso sa main lib para manggulo kay stell na nagapply na student assistant. ken confesses na eto ang past-time nya this sem, kaya madalas s'ya sa main lib.

_ ah, si stell. _ justin thinks but quickly dismisses the thought. alam naman nya na ken and stell go way back, pero it shouldn't bother him. besides, tropa naman silang lahat.

\--

justin won't admit it for a long time, but he lives for the little things.

he had this alsense of attention to detail sa lahat - acads, books, current affairs, speeches, _ ken _ . it came in handy kasi give it a week at alam na nya kung kelan nagtitipid si ken. alam na nya kung kelan bibili ng extra food na hindi mauubos. he's too shy to actually offer so he pretends na busog na sya.

he felt like it was a faraway crush. alam naman nya kung gaano ka-popular si ken sa engineering. bukod sa wala pa atang hindi uno na subject, ganyan pa yung itsura. lubos na pinagpala.

so okay na s'ya sa ganito. they're friends, they talk a lot. as long as ken says goodnight on most nights,  _ i live for moments like this. _


	3. Chapter 3

the following day, nagulat si ken sa message ni paulo,  _ ken wake the f up, it's justin's birthday _ !

it's almost noon at nagmamadali syang bumangon para maligo. muntik pa syang mauntog sa bunk bed. 

"san kayo, dre?"

"tangina, ngayon ka lang nagising? andito kami sa apartment ni justin, nagpe-prepare. 2pm s'ya matatapos. kakadating lang ni josh dito, bumili ng cake. kelangan natin ng double-sided tape, saka humanap ka na din ng balloons parang ang onti ng nabili ni pau. tapos daan ka naman ng savemore bili ka ng champagne. or yung non-alcoholic na drink na nasa wine bottle din, ano nga yon? hala, kahit ano, basta yung fancy ganon. gets mo ba, ken? dapat andito ka na in fifteen minutes, andito na din yung pinadeliver na food. ambagan to ha, si pau muna gumastos lahat."

_ tangina, stell. di pa dumadating stipend ko. _

paglabas ni ken ng dorm, nakita nyang malakas ang ulan.  _ fuck _ . di sya pwedeng mag-bike. ilang minuto syang naghintay ng jeep pero wala talagang dumadaan. 

kaya ayaw nya nagcocommute pag sabado eh. kung anong dami ng mga jeep sa campus pag weekdays, ganon naman ka-konti pag weekends.

walang patid ang pag-vibrate ng phone nya sa bulsa, malamang sina stell na naman. after about five minutes, tumakbo sya pabalik sa room sa third floor, pinlastic ang mga gamit at ipinasok sa loob ng bag haphazardly.

"alis ka, dre?" tanong ng kakagising nya lang na roommate, halatang naalimpungatan sa pagmamadali ni ken.

di na sya sumagot, mabilis syang lumabas at nagbike sa ulanan.

_ fuck _ .

pagdating ni ken sa apartment ni justin, sobrang lamig. bukas ang aircon at patapos na din sina stell sa pag-prepare ng decorations. andami nyang dinaanan para bumili ng supplies pero hindi naman na pala mostly kailangan.

pinagtatawanan sya nina josh at stell dahil para syang basang sisiw, pinapagalitan naman s'ya ni paulo dahil sana daw nag-lakad nalang s'ya para nakapag-payong.

"patayin muna natin yung aircon," suggest ni ken.

he glanced at the setup na ginawa nina stell and it was cute.  _ parang si jah, _ he thought.

"matagal pa ba si justin?" tanong ni josh, who was already eyeing the food on the table.

"he's on his way," sagot ni paulo.

ken was not sure pero he felt a multitude of things at that moment.

cold dahil basa s'ya sa ulan, sad dahil hindi nakauwi si justin ngayong birthday pa naman nya, happy dahil it's the first time he's part of something like this, excited dahil gusto na nya makita yung reaction ni justin sa surprise, and something else – something he couldn't quite pinpoint.

pero he's sure, like how he feels most days, pag nakita na n'ya si justin, it wouldn't even matter. he just couldn't help but get lost in justin's smiles.

-

"happy birthday, justin!"

nabigla si justin sa mga kaibigan nya. iniwan nya si paulo dito kaninang umaga after s'ya dalahan ng mcdonalds na breakfast, pero di naman sya nag-expect nang ganito.

"hala!"

sabay-sabay kumanta ang apat ng we wish you a happy birthday to the tune of we wish you a merry christmas kaya tawang-tawa din sila sa kalokohan nila.

paulo was holding the cake, josh was recording a video, stell was singing at the top of his lungs and ken was just clapping. this sort of experience was new to him, hindi naman sila nakaka-afford ng cake pag birthdays.

natuwa si justin sa mga balloons kahit nagkalat na sila sa living area kaya agad naman syang nagpa-take ng picture sa setup na pinrepare ng tropa nya.

"grabe, lakas maka-chicks may pa-surprise," biro ni justin pero naiiyak na talaga sya. first time nya na malayo sa pamilya on his birthday. nagpromise naman sila na next weekend mag-celebrate kasabay ng birthday ng kuya nya, pero he just wasn't used to being alone on his special day.

"huy, group pic naman!" aya ni stell. pagkatapos na pagkatapos ma-satisfy ni stell sa shots, napalingon si justin kay ken na inakbayan nya habang nagtetake ng pictures.

"bakit basa ka ken!"

"nagpaulan 'yan!" sumbong ni josh.

hinigit ni justin si ken nang walang pasabi papunta sa kwarto nya. nagsimula naman na sina stell na ihain ang ipinadeliver na korean food.

"bakit ka kasi nagpapaulan, tapos hindi ka kaagad nagpalit?" mahaba ang litanya ni justin habang ikinukuha si ken ng damit sa cabinet nya. "eto baka malaki sa yo to pero yan nalang muna."

"thank you," sabi ni ken. di nya alam kung bakit parang naiiyak sya.

"magbihis ka na," utos ni justin. "magshower ka na din kaya? malinis naman cr ko kakalinis ko lang kagabi."

napansin ni justin na parang paiyak na si ken kaya lumapit sya dito. "uy, felip, bakit?"

"nabubuang na ata ako, di ko din alam," tumawa sya habang tumutulo yung luha nya.

"hala," sabi ni justin. "baliw ka na, maligo ka na baka magkasakit ka pa."

nakatulog na sina josh at stell sa sofa ni justin, nilagayan naman ni justin ng kumot si sejun sa sahig. buti nalang at carpeted yung floor kaya hindi malalamigan ang likod nya. hininaan din n'ya yung ac. malakas pa din ang ulan sa labas at nag-mobile legends lang sila habang nagrurun ang  _ brooklyn nine-nine  _ sa tv.

nakasampay sa cr ang dark blue jansport bag ni ken, pati yung suot nya na jeans, hoodie, shirt at boxers. tumutulo pa kahit napa-ikot na sa dryer. lahat ng gamit nya sa bag ay nasa sahig ng kwarto ni justin, naka-plastic pa din, yung ugly yellow plastic bag ng savemore.

nakatulog na si ken sa kama ni justin, kaya nagprepare na din si justin sa baba ng bed ng comforter. ala-una na din, medyo inaantok na si justin kasi 10pm ang normal nyang tulog. inilipat nya sa isang paper bag yung mga gamit ni ken, isa-isang pinupunasan kasi nabasa din naman sa loob ng bag nya.

napatingin sya kay ken, natatawa kasi naka-pink sya na shirt, such a stark contrast sa monochromatic wardrobe nya.

"i think i like you," justin whispers and smiles.


	4. Chapter 4

josh was mostly on a hiatus the following semester. graduating na kasi sya, puro thesis ang inaatupag. stell was busy with jazz, may online series silang nirelease kaya he's out of reach, either nagshushoot or nagpapractice. 

paulo was equally as busy, since  _ college of economics and management _ ang host ng fair this year. hindi sya member ng college student council pero sya ang college rep sa universe student council. 

meanwhile, ken was - to everyone's surprise, dating. or flirting. walang nakaka-sigurado.

it was this girl, hannah, who everyone calls  _ rui _ sa soma (an org on japanese culture). last sem pa sila nai-issue dahil they ended up going home together after ng christmas party ng soma. 

hannah cosplays, and shares the same interests with ken, kaya din sila naging close.

hindi naman daw sila exclusive, paglilinaw ni hannah sa general assembly nila. pero they're always seen together. wherever she is, most likely andun din si ken.

justin has never met hannah before. di na rin sila nagkikita masyadong lima kaya he doesn't have any idea what the real score is. nakikita nya lang minsan sa ig ni ken. also, he's stalked her socials a couple of times na.

but there was a long period of radio silence, kahit sa gc. 

kaya nagulat sya nang nag-notify ito - it was josh, asking for help with his creative shots.

justin and stell prepared josh's set since he was coming from the studio for his formal shots. upon arriving, josh hugged justin from behind and tickled him, "justiiiiiiiin! i missed you!"

it all generally went well, magaling sina justin at stell sa portraits and josh was really impressed.

sa apartment ni justin nauwi ang tatlo on a saturday afternoon. nagluto naman si stell ng adobo and josh did a quick run to the 7-eleven across the street for junk food and alcohol.

sumunod si paulo from his meeting, at around 8pm, at sinabayan ulit ito ni stell sa pagkain.

josh was saying na kakasubmit nya lang kahapon ng draft ng thesis sa adviser nya at i-schedule na din soon yung defense if pasado sa standards. kita ang pagod sa mata ni josh, and justin was really, really proud of him. never nya na-gets yung programming, to be quite honest.

"asan si suson?" tanong ni paulo. second serving na nya ng rice, buti nalang nag-luto si stell ng second batch.

"di sumasagot sa tawag, baka may date." sagot ni josh.

"baka blocked ka, dre. try mo, justin." sabi ni stell.

justin scrolled through his messenger chats at sobrang nasa pinakababa na ata ni ken sa tagal nilang hindi nagusap. "offline s'ya."

"wala yan dyan, nagtatago yan!" tumawa si stell. "sa globe nya na number."

"wala akong number n’ya."

biglang-bigla si stell. "hala bakit ganon hahahaha. chat ko sa yo."

"pag yan talaga sinagot tapos ako blocked," simula ni josh. "bwiset s'ya."

"tawagan mo nalang, justin. sasagot yan si ken," sure na sure na sabi ni stell.

five rings, tapos the call was dropped. justin tried two more times pero wala pa din. following stell's advise, minessage ni justin si ken, nagpakilala.

it hasn't even been a minute since justin sent his text when ken called.

"hello?" stell was watching justin expectantly, mouthing na papuntahin din si ken sa apartment. "sorry, sabi ni stell sunod ka daw dito sa apartment… oo… yung kay josh, yes… ahh, okay… sure, sige sabihan ko nalang sila. okay, ingats."

kakaupo lang ni sejun sa sahig pagkatapos hugasan yung kinainan nya. justin dropped the call and stell was looking at him like a cute puppy. josh was falling asleep already.

"may lakad daw sya, try daw nya pagkahatid sa kasama nya."

josh complained, saying "bros before hoes, suson!" pero wala namang may pakialam, except justin.

"sana hindi masarap yung dinner nila," stell joked. nasa background ulit ang brooklyn nine-nine, pero kanya-kanyang laptop ang inaatupag nina stell, paulo at justin. josh took a well-deserved nap. ****

around 11 na din sila umuwi, walang ken na nagpakita sa kanila that night.


	5. Chapter 5

nagising si justin sa pagtunog ng phone nya at sa katok sa pintuan nya.  _ shit _ , parang kakapikit lang nya. 2:43 am.  _ shit _ .

"hello?"

"jah, nasa labas ako. open the door, please."

"felip?"

justin helped ken inside the door, ini-upo sa couch nya. he reeked of alcohol, pero alam ni justin na malakas ang tolerance ni ken sa ganyan. if anything, ken was only slightly tipsy. mahirap lang kumilos since hindi na-turn on ni justin yung ilaw.

"san sila?" ken asked, justin quickly held up a glass of water to his lips and ken drank from it.

"nakauwi na kanina pa, alas-tres na kaya."

"nagising ba kita, sorry."

"okay lang."

"dito muna ako, jah." ken said, hugging justin, catching him by surprise. "dito muna ako sa 'yo."

di alam ni justin kung itutulak ba nya si ken papalayo o ilalapit lalo sa kanya.  _ shit _ , hindi sya makahinga. the smell of alcohol was apparent pero yung shampoo ni ken ang naaamoy nya. 

-

justin learns in the following days na ken was actually dating hannah, pero since it wasn't exclusive, she continued to meet other guys. which was foreign for ken, it seems, and it created this toxic jealous cycle that ate him up.

she broke up with him dahil nasasakal sya, and now he's breaking down and was on the verge of losing his university scholar status, and his running-for-summa gwa.

paulo helped ken with his integral calculus and advanced physics while proofreading josh's manuscript draft. mabilis naman naka-catch up si ken sa mga engineering subjects dahil mabilis naman sya maka-pick up. stell was making sure ken's social life stays positive, kaya laging sya ang kasama sa outside world.

justin lets him stay sa apartment, although not officially. pero they've collected most of his stuff from the dorms.

justin's apartment slowly turned into  _ their _ apartment. ken's clothes occupied a third of the closet. his toiletries were arranged on the other half of the vanity. 

ayaw ni justin na sa living area si ken since he likes to keep things tidy. they settled with sharing the bed instead of introducing a separate mattress that totally throws off the design elements sa room ni justin.

"dito ka nalang, felip." justin says one night while they were studying for the finals. "stay here with me."


	6. Chapter 6

and ken stayed.

he stayed through the break kahit justin was back in manila with his parents. he moved out officially from the dorms and spent most of his time studying. he knew he was so distracted last semester, and he was beating himself up over it. 

ken's taking technical writing this summer, and was already doing advanced reading and writing on the topics and class requirements.

justin visited one weekend since josh was graduating and they were all going to watch.

nagpa-print pa s'ya ng tarp to support josh, and it was the funniest thing ken has ever seen in his entire miserable life. stell also made a banner and paulo just laughed along with ken about the absurdity of the entire thing.

nakapila si josh sa _college of arts and sciences_ , mauuna silang maglalakad, right after _college of agriculture_ . medyo paulan na din, buti covered yung grounds this year. they walked up to josh and took pictures with him, sobrang mabilisan lang din dahil andaming tao at pinaalis na sila ng marshalls sa area dedicated for the graduates.

"hala, nakakaiyak," sabi ni justin. nakaakbay s'ya kay paulo, making a sad face. "next year, kayo naman ni stell."

“true. gusto ko na gumraduate, madami pang tatrabahuhin sa real world, ang kalat ng gobyerno natin eh,” paulo was saying while they were calling the graduates for the _college of human ecology._

nasa _college of veterinary medicine_ na nung nag-cheer si stell para sa mga tropa nya sa jazz.

amidst the craziness of it all, paulo told justin, “dito lang ako lagi. you know you're my favorite.”

the entire ceremony made justin emotional. umulan pa, so it made the whole thing much more dramatic.

"halika dito, jah." ken pulled justin closer, sharing his battered orange umbrella.

-

"pagka-graduate nila kuya pau, mag-isa nalang ako," sabi ni justin. nakaupo s'ya sa sahig, nanonood ng _attack on titan_ rerun ni ken sa tv. they got home about an hour ago, feet hurting dahil ilang oras nakatayo.

"grabe ka, andito ako oh." ken said while sipping his beer. sipping, dahil literal na gumamit s'ya ng metal straw para uminom.

"ewan," simula ni justin, nagiinit na din ang pisngi n'ya dahil nangangalahati na s'ya sa iniinom na san mig light. "feeling ko at any time, you'll slip right through my fingers. parang sand. or water."

ken looks at justin and places his hand on top of his head, "you're the closest friend i have. you should know i'll always be here for you."

 _friend_. parang nag-echo sa buong pagkatao ni justin ang salitang 'yon, reverberating, making him feel worse.

"uy, jah." ken slides down to the floor para magkatabi sila ni justin. "bakit? wag ka na malungkot d'yan, uy."

ken was trying to cheer him up, inaalog n'ya sa balikat kasi parang mangiyak-ngiyak na naman 'to.

"dali na, jah. sige ka, kikilitiin kita. uy."

hinawakan ni ken ang mukha ni justin, wiping off the tears. 

_hala, tangina._

ken couldn't quite pinpoint it, pero ayaw nya nang ganito. may kung anong kirot sa puso n'ya habang nakikita si justin na umiiyak.

"jah, tahan na."

"i'm sorry."

 _for what?_ itatanong palang ni ken pero hindi na s'ya nakapag-salita. justin's lips were already on his, although it lasted for only a few seconds.

it was only skin grazing against skin but justin felt _so much_ . _too much,_ in fact. it felt as if he has been waiting for this for as long as he could remember. 

as he was moving away, he was wondering _why the fuck this took so long_ . kung ganito pala yung pakiramdam, why the hell did he wait years before making this happen? _imagine all the days and nights i could've spent kissing you_ , justin thought, _feeling the way i'm feeling right now._

hindi na rin nakapag-salita si ken, but the absence of justin's soft lips against his was _so_ _apparent_. at gusto n'ya. _fuck_. gusto pa n'ya. gusto n'ya ulit.

this time, ken was the one who initiated the kiss. hindi n'ya alam pero parang nakakabaliw. naka-hawak si justin sa t-shirt n'ya, fists closed. justin was grasping at him, hinihila s'ya bahagya papalapit. before he knew it, his hands were running through justin's soft hair, tugging gently.

" _jah_ ," he breathes against justin's skin. his brain was on overdrive. there was no room to think; all he could do was _feel_. and he was too focused on justin to notice that everything was spinning off its axis.

the following morning, justin woke up with a splitting headache. naka-yakap si ken sa kanya, sniffing the top of his head. ken was half-naked - which was normal. and he was, too - which wasn't.

he knew things were shifting at that moment, at natatakot syang harapin ang umaga. he's scared, and he closed his eyes and snuggled closer.

 _ten more minutes_ , he thought. wished. hoped. _ten more minutes like this._


	7. Chapter 7

"i like your lips," sabi ni justin nonchalantly isang umaga pagka-gising nila. ken was cuddling him. "i like you in general," justin concludes bago sya tuluyang tumayo para mag-stretch. 

archery ang first class nya, and he's making sure he aces it, kahit muntik na s'yang hindi matanggap ng instructor during registration period.

it had been months after the  _ incident _ , and they never quite talked about it.

at first, gusto ni justin pag-usapan. pero ken was being dismissive and aloof and  _ away _ . 

after two weeks, sumuko na din si justin, dismissing even the memory of it. 

at that time, si ken naman ang nakakaramdam na kelangan nila magusap. but justin was trying to distance himself from the whole fiasco. 

their timing was not quite right.

hindi sinabi ni justin kina stell at paulo, and it felt like an unspoken agreement. wala din sinabihan si ken. 

the four of them kept close, minsan bumibisita si josh sa campus since wala pa s’yang full time job na tinatanggap.

he was considering working as a research assistant muna sa institute, kaso parang isinusuka na din sya ng former professors nya. di rin in-line with the career path he's planning to take.

although nobody talks about it, josh has always had this soft spot for justin  _ (honestly, everyone does). _

when he visited one weekend, josh stayed over at justin's. ken left at around 10am for a make-up lab class, leaving josh and justin alone.

"okay lang ba kayo ni suson?" josh asks justin, they were on the couch, nanonood ng rerun ng  _ stranger things _ with last night's leftover pizza. "ang lamig nyo, ano yan lq?"

"ay," justin says while picking up the pepperoni na nalaglag from his pizza slice, trying his best to pretend. "ganyan lang talaga kami."

tumawa si josh, "de dios, hindi ako laude pero ‘di ako bobo. anyare?"

justin sighs deeply, bago kinuwento kay josh ang sitwasyon for the past few months.

outside the bedroom, they're cold and aloof. they barely even acknowledge each other's existence, let alone talk to each other.

pero pag magkatabi na sa bed, chaos ensues. 

yumayakap.

humahalik.

granted, words were still rarely spoken but justin was okay with whispers, held-in screams, heavy breathing.  _ fuck _ , okay na sya sa grunts, to be honest. 

_ anything _ . 

anything other than ken's coldness once they step out of the four corners of justin's room.

"fuck," josh exclaims. "ano yan? pag-usapan nyo nga yan, ang kalat n'yo. 'di na uso 'yan."

"hindi naman seryoso, josh. wala lang 'yon."

"wow, ' _ di seryoso _ ?" josh opened a can of pepsi and continued, "ngayon ka nga lang nakakilos nang maayos pagkaalis n'ya, para kang nawalan ng bitbit na isang tonelada. para kayong ewan. date if you want to date, be fuck buddies if that's what you both want. pero pag-usapan nyo. h'wag ganyan, ano kayo may switch? may sumpa ata yung kwarto mo."

justin laughs, "true."

"ano ba, fuck buddy or jowa? ano bang gusto mo?"

" _ s'ya _ ," sabi ni justin absent-mindedly. "in whatever shape or form.  _ kahit ano _ , basta s'ya."


	8. Chapter 8

paulo graduated summa cum laude. s'ya din ang class valedictorian. justin was in tears that evening, taking pictures, capturing every possible moment. 

he stopped only when paulo delivered his valedictory address.

_ shit _ , justin thinks. _ i'm so proud of him. _

he was one of the official reps of up photos para mag-cover ng graduation. nakakatawa nga din kasi sa special edition ng campus paper, kay paulo yung special feature sa centerfold. si justin din ang kumuha ng shots at nag-interview.

literally, naka-frame sa living area ng apartment ni justin yung sample version non, nagpa-reprint sya ng colored version. complete with paulo's signature. 

stell was also graduating, nasa bandang harap yung may mga  _ latin honors _ .

di nakadating si josh, pero may livestream naman kaya dun nalang sya nanood. sa singapore na kasi sya based, for three months now. nagma-masters na ulit, akala mo hindi nagsawa sa pagaaral.

and  _ ken _ . 

ken was on his bike, dumaan lang para makita sina paulo at stell sa projector screens. tinapos n'ya lang din ang speech ni pau at nagbike na ulit pabalik sa apartment.

_ ni hannah _ .

somewhere along the way, she came back, and for some reason, he couldn't say no.

justin had to say goodbye to paulo and stell alone, since they were with their families. he kept his composure as he took shots of the graduates hugging and saying goodbye to each other, full of hopes, dreams and fears.

_ shit _ , he lives for moments like this.

stell was in tears as he hugged justin, promising to visit whenever he can, although he's going directly to manila para sa new job nya. they quickly bid goodbyes so stell could say goodbye to his other friends.

paulo hugged justin for a long time. justin didn't want to cry pero he was unable to hold back anymore. paulo had kept him sane over the entire ken fiasco. nung time na nagsusulat ng thesis si pau, he was also busy taking care of justin.

sure, he wasn't miserable and  _ dying _ pero as paulo had once told him, para syang  _ araw na nauubusan ng liwanag. _

"always take care of yourself, justin. you know i love you, right?"

justin nodded. "thank you, kuya. sobrang salamat. i'm really sorry for all the troubles. i'm so,  _ so _ proud of you, i love you."

"drama!" paulo jokes. niyakap nya ulit si justin, "ang gusto ko lang lagi kang masaya. everything else will follow, basta piliin mo palagi kung anong makakapagpasaya sa yo."

\---

_ hoy felip _

_ sabi ko sa yo eh _

_ once they graduate, i'll be alone _

jah, andito lang ako

_ asan _

_ wala akong katabi oh _

jah :c

_ joke lang gagi _

_ kbye _


	9. Chapter 9

ken arrived two hours later, they haven't been alone for the most part of the sem and all justin wanted to do was kiss him.

but he didn't.

he was so tired.

all his life, palagi nalang syang naghahabol. sanay naman syang maghabol sa academic at athletic accomplishments ng kapatid nya (how julian managed to graduate top of his class while being a member of the national team for archery was beyond him). pero kahit ngayon na julian's engaged, parang naghahabol pa din sya.

_ why won't you find a girlfriend, justin. _

_ justin, paulo said you're not dating anyone. wala bang maganda sa campus nyo? _

_ that's just a phase. _

_ there's no harm in exploring, as long as you know what's expected of you. _

_ look at julian, he's getting married by the time he's thirty.  _

_ i think it's time you think about your future, justin. _

_ that's enough, justin. we're not going to listen to your nonsense. _

_ god, ano nalang sasabihin ng mga tao? _

justin is so,  _ so _ tired.

"are you happy with her?"

"hindi," ken says. 

there was pain in ken's eyes and justin wanted to look away, and he should have. hindi nya malunok yung fact na the person he loves is hurting because of someone else.

at nights, when he can't fall asleep, he allows himself to remember. and he hurts all over again. 

he diverts his attention to art, drawing and writing as if time's running out, takot na abutan s'ya ng thoughts n'ya at magising sa katotohanan na kahit ano pang iiyak n'ya, wala na talaga.

"alam mo ba, she reminds me so much of you," ken was looking blankly at the tv screen. it was turned off. "that's probably what drew me to her in the first place."

"don't." justin warned. he was confused.  _ you're here. so that gives me something to hold on to, at least. _ "don't ruin this for me."

justin knew he would give in the moment ken gives him even the slightest sliver of hope.

ken smiled, hindi naka-dating sa mga mata nya. "hindi rin naman natin kayang pangatawanan 'to, jah."

"pwede namang subukan." justin said. "duwag ka lang."

tumango si ken, smiling - mas sincere this time. "totoo 'yan," sabi n'ya. "ang hirap, jah. look at me. i have nothing to show for. i have nothing to offer you. my hands are empty."

_ empty-handed _ .

'yan ang madalas i-describe ni ken sa sarili n'ya. 'yan din ang palagi nyang sinasabi kay justin na reason kung bakit hindi sila pwede.

"hindi ka lang duwag,  _ tanga _ ka pa." sabi ni justin. "i'm not empty-handed but i have a shitton of baggages. mas okay ba yon?"

ken was left alone open-mouthed as justin walked briskly back to his room. 

justin never gets mad at him. kaya it took him by surprise.

he was considering to leave and was picking up his wallet and phone nang lumabas si justin sa room a few seconds later.

sa gulat ni ken, wala syang nagawa or nasabi nang halikan sya ni justin.

"kayo ba, ni hannah?" justin paused to ask, he was only a few centimeters away from ken, waiting for him to answer.

"not exclusively," ken responds, breathless, closing in on justin, hands running through his chest, as if looking for something to hold onto.

_ gusto din n'ya 'to. _

and there it was. justin's tiny sliver of hope.

"works for me." justin breathed out, returning to ken's lips. his warmth. ilang buwan din s'yang nag-yearn for this.

"jah…" ken's hand was touching justin's face. he was a slow, steady contrast to justin's urgency."i don't want to hurt you."

justin smirked, grasping at the hem of ken's hoodie. "halikan mo nalang ako, felip.  _ matagal mo na 'kong nasasaktan _ ."


	10. Chapter 10

he woke up alone. he was surprised for a tiny second, pero ine-expect na din naman n'ya to. 

he felt cold and alone and he decided to hide under the covers, baka sakaling hindi makita ng universe na eto na naman s'ya. stupid. desperate. _pathetic_.

justin grasped at his pillow and buried his face on it.  _ tangina _ , he could still smell the fruity notes of ken's shampoo. 

he picks up his phone from his side table and notices a message from ken, but he swiped to ignore it in fear that it would be something like  _ sorry that was a mistake, friends pa din tayo ah? _

\---

ken's last year was also his worst. 

there was a huge fallout with hannah just days before their first day back. 

ilang gabi s'yang nakitulog sa mga orgmates like a nomad until he was able to find a half-decent shoe box apartment to fit himself in.

without stell, it was impossible to be sociable. so he was almost always by himself with his earphones on, on his bike, or the engineering library, or the area right outside engineering science lecture hall.

his thesis wasn't revolutionary but it showed promise at an early stage. he was part of a three-phase study with a grant from the department of energy, so it was more or less fully-funded. one less thing for him to worry about.

on the other hand, justin remained exceptional at devcom, already a mainstay at dzlb. he was still quite popular, and he devoted a lot of his time perfecting his writing.

he quit [p] and photos to focus on his acads, but he did so in such a graceful manner and everyone just seemed to love him.

his last year was also the most promising.

he didn't want to attend any non-acad related event this year, but  _ "it's our last prod!" _ his theater friends argued and he couldn't say no.

it was a production of  _ para kay b _ , and he's read the book a lifetime ago pero hindi na n'ya maalala even as he re-read the synopsis. he sat down, it was a 3pm show kaya kakaunti ang tao, the 7pm shows usually get the most audience since walang overlap ng classes.

it was cold in the theater and he's thankful he wore pants, but it was pretty. he used to watch a lot of plays with pau and ken during his first two years, usually required by g.e. professors.

the theater was almost two-thirds full, di na masama for a prod na kasabay ng feb fair, and it starts. 


	11. Chapter 11

the lights dimmed and the music played and a voice in the darkness lifted directly from the book and said, _"may quota ang pag-ibig."_

justin felt a chill. he knew that voice. _"sa bawat limang umiibig, isa lang ang magiging maligaya."_

ilang buwan din n'yang hindi nadinig yung boses na 'to. _"ang iba, iibig sa 'di sila iniibig. iibig nang di natututo."_

he knew it was ken, and he panicked. _"iibig sa wala. o di iibig kailanman."_

_"putangina_ ," he whispered. the guy on his left glanced at him for a quick moment before focusing on the stage, where the story was unfolding.

he knew the chances of ken being in the prod himself was super slim, but if his voice unleashed a myriad of emotions enough to make him have a mini meltdown, it was safe to say that he couldn't quite risk it. 

he gathered his things and slowly made his way out.

he sat down on the steps sa labas ng auditorium. it was bright outside and his eyes had to readjust. he was gradually calming down when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

justin turned around and saw ken, who was already sitting down beside him.

"okay ka lang?"

_tangina._

"i saw you leave," ken said without looking at him. "di ko sure kung okay lang na sundan kita pero naabutan kita."

"what do you want?"

"nothing," ken smiled. "i just really miss you."

"why?"

"i'm sorry, jah." ken's eyes were sad and he looked tired. "alam ko i made a mess. and i missed my chance. but if it's okay, i just want to sit beside you like this at least until the show is over. sobrang miss na kita."

"bakit nga?"

ken looked down at this point, unable to put into words whatever he wanted to say.

justin took a deep breath and said, "we can sit here, fine." he waited until ken looked at him before he said, "pero i won't say anything."

the two hours went by fast, and justin kept quiet. ken was randomly telling justin about his thesis, his stat friend that recruited him to record some parts of the voice over in the play. he even briefly mentioned his break-up with hannah more than a sem ago, the aftermath, josh's winning streak and his last chat with stell.

alam ni justin na they looked picture-perfect where they were sitting, pero he was thinking maybe this was the last time they'd be together like this.

" _our time is almost up,_ " justin said. may mga students na din kasi na dumadating to wait for the 7pm show.

"uuwi ka na ba? can i walk you home?" ken asked, expecting nothing.

surprise was apparent in ken's eyes as justin nodded in agreement.


	12. Chapter 12

ken was still walking close by, kagaya nang dati, which surprised justin.

he missed this. they were almost always walking outside of physci palabas ng campus together, with ken's bike in tow. justin tried but lost count kung ilang tao yung makakasalubong nila na either (a)  _ babatiin si ken _ or (b)  _ panakaw s'yang susulyapan with longing eyes. _

justin remembered his tues-thurs chemistry elective sa 4th floor ng physci na isinusumpa n'ya dahil he despises stairs. but, by mere coincidence, he saw ken on his bike, passing by as he was waiting sa fire exit ng 4th floor. 

needless to say, for that semester, that became his favorite time of the week.

as they passed by the starbucks they used to frequent, ken switched places with justin, being a gentleman, and held him by his shoulder. his hand lingered. 

and it left only to slide down to justin's hand, until they were intertwined.

justin's breath hitched. pero hindi s'ya tumutol.

"jah, you never replied." ken said in a small voice, looking down. they were now standing by the gate of justin's apartment building. 

the light from the adjacent milk tea shop was softly illuminating justin's face. 

justin was watching a guy blow smoke sa peripheral vision n'ya, while discussing thermodynamics to a group of guys sitting just outside the shop. 

he wondered if they could tell that there was an avalanche of feelings sa puso n'ya. then, he felt slightly envious of the seeming simplicity of their lives. but then again,  _ you never really know _ . a lifetime ago, ganyan din siguro sila nila ken from the outside.

ken interrupted his thoughts, "nung araw na yon, do you remember?"

_ of course _ , papano n'ya makakalimutan. 

justin sighed and said, "i didn't know what to say." he looked at ken for a second before looking down at their hands,  _ still loosely entwined _ . "tapos nung alam ko na, you were already with someone else. i just felt like that was the universe telling us our timing's fucked."

ken smiled and nodded, "sobra." he shifted on his feet, and continued, "i think it's because we talked so much about so many other things, except our feelings. and,  _ boy _ , i have a lot of feelings for you."

_ have _ , justin thinks and he's overwhelmed.

"anyway," ken continued. "gabi na din, you probably have loads to do. you should head in. but i have something for you. sobrang luma na neto." he laughed.

justin's knees were wobbly, about to give up.  _ tangina, ang tagal kong hindi nadinig 'yang tawa mo _ .

hindi nya maipaliwanag pero that's probably his most favorite sound. although, honestly, ken's laughs range from charming and boyish to just out-of-this-world crazy, but justin enjoys the whole repertoire. 

ken let go of justin's hand to pull something out of the same old dark blue jansport bag – a small black rectangular box with a light blue ribbon, offering it to him. "pang-birthday mo dapat yan kaso we stopped talking."

justin held the box with two hands, worried that his fingers might fail him. "thank you?"

"una na 'ko, jah. i know i said i just wanted to spend three hours with you and it's been almost four. salamat,  _ i still miss you _ . palagi kang mag-iingat."

"ikaw din," justin said. it felt like a closure. or a goodbye.  _ or both _ . and he didn't know if this was what he actually wanted.

ken gave him a hug without asking and he reciprocated it without much thought. it felt  _ almost _ right,  _ almost _ perfect, and justin wanted to cry.


	13. Chapter 13

"hey, babe. how was the play?"

justin smiled as he sat down on the sofa and kissed his boyfriend, "a bit boring. kumain ka na?"

"not yet," he answered, snuggling closer. "i was waiting for you."

justin waited until he's asleep before opening the box. inside was an old silver ipod mini. he looked for his wired earphones and braced himself.

_hi jah, madami akong gustong sabihin pero siguro i've missed all my chances. but, thank you for everything_.

there was a pause and justin thought, _is that it?_ he checked on the display and saw that it's still playing. he waited.

_i just… love you._

justin paused the track and checked if he was still breathing. _fuck_ , he thinks. _that's my line. i love you._

_i know maybe you don't feel it. or you didn't. pero i do. you're right, i was a coward. honestly, i still am._

justin could almost hear the boyish giggle in his voice. _tangina_ , he couldn't quite decide how he felt at that moment. but he felt quite a lot.

_i'm also the most stupid person i know. kasi i let you slip away._

_but. anyway, here's a thing i wrote last night. and, for the record, yes, i think about you every waking moment._

as track 1 ended and was transitioning to track 2, justin made his way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. he wasn't able to stop his tears anymore.

_if it ends,_

_it will end with me hoping_

_that you know you hold the stars in your eyes;_

_that you know i would have held my breath;_

_that you know i would have held your hands,_

_and kept you close._

justin took a deep breath because it felt like he forgot to breathe for the last 20 seconds. _ayoko na_ , he decided. _this is too much_.

_because if it ends,_

_it will end with me trying_

_to tell you all the right words;_

_to remind you i'm here,_

_and that i am always,_

_always yours._

**✧ ҽɳԃ ✧**

**Author's Note:**

> ♡ comments, suggestions, non-violent reactions? c:


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